Over the past few months it has become blatantly obvious to me what really matters in life, and what doesnt matter so much. These things vary from person to person, but there is always a level of "matter-some" (so-to-speak) to each general thing on a list, it is almost like a common sense thing. There are just some things that shouldn't be considered so egregious and terrible and yet somehow they are. There are some things that people should just know not to do, and completely ignore it and completely forget the fact that they said things, and did things and expressed things that are completely contradictory to the things that they are currently expressing.
Prime example, sometimes relationships just don't work out. Look at every person in the world, and look at how different each and every one of those people are, what are the odds that the one person you happened upon is that ONE person just for you. Not very likely. It is not a crime to end a relationship, it is not a crime to part ways, it is NOT WRONG...the truth is that it just happens. I watch T.V. and I see how people act and I wonder....why are they acting so insane about this? Why would they have wanted this person to stay with them when they weren't happy? If one person is not happy, then both cannot be happy. It just seems like relationship physics to me. It is like...the laws of gravity. The pull of one persons unhappiness weights down the happiness of the entire relationship. FACT.
It is for the above logic that I don't understand why I would be hearing things about someone I once ended a relationship with. I don't want to say I never spoke a bad word about that person, but the words that were spoken were only to TWO individuals which I have very intimate relationships with AND people that have no connection to him. Trash talking always hurts, I don't care who you are, but when you hear bad things said about you there is that tiny elementary school child inside of all of us that winces for atleast that split second. There is no need to talk dirty about someone that you have supposedly moved on from. There is no need because they were just one of the stepping stones on the path that they took to get them to the right "ONE". Thus, you should respect them for giving you a solid platform upon which to stride, even if it is simply the silent kind. No words is far better then hateful or mean ones. In addition, if the other individual has had enough respect to not speak poorly to anyone holding a mutual relationship, then that person should also have the same consideration, if not for a respect for you as a person they once held dear, then out of a respect for the fact that you are simply another individual who exists in this world and has relationships with people other then just you. Relationships that are held dear by both parties.
My rant is almost complete. I simply have to say, that I wish people looked more at what really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Speaking ill of someone is simply "bad joo-joo" for the soul, we all know it because we all get that sick, icky feeling on our tongues and in our stomach when we do it. So I ask all of you, the next time you get that urge to speak poorly, replace it with something positive...it doesnt have to be something positive about that person, but anything positive. If you can't think of anything I will give you one of mine, "Less-pretty people need love too!" The fact of the matter is that our actions today, determines the outcomes we receive tomorrow. Nothing positive can come from something negative, except for the really tough lessons that we learn from. We wouldnt even have to learn those if we would just take a step back and listen to the people around us who have made those mistakes already. So, take my advice and find out for yourself if I am right and if the nasty, hateful words are what really matters to you in life. Only you can decide what really matters to you.
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wal-Mart Criminal
In order to fully understand the extent of my hurt and disbelief today I need to give you all a little backstory. My wal mart offending future ex and I got married less then 2 years ago and have been together for over 3 years, and we have known each other for over 6 years. A few months ago I am, in every sense, blindsided when he informs me that he is "no longer happy" and apparently these sentiments have everything to do with his vows and devotion to me and nothing to do with any twisted pathology of his own self. He has always been, if nothing else in this world, my most intimate companion and in the most endearing expression of the word, my best friend. He knows every form of me and every particulate and facet of me, and what blows me away is that he is taking that knowledge and using it for evil. He knows just the right things to say to twist the knife of treachery and broken promises just a smidge further. I had to be around him today, his mother is in town and she wanted to buy the kids new car seats and she insisted that I be there so that I could pick out what I wanted. The gesture was a wonderful one, but the events it involved fell short of being even remotely tolerable. It is still a very tender and tenuous situation, most especially when we are in each others presence. He is still my husband and, with the exception of the last few months, he was everything I wanted and expected him to be. A part of me is terrified of how I can ever let that mindset go, because I truly formulated "Me" around it. I swallowed it, digested it, and absorbed every bit of it into my existence. How do you regurgitate fare which has surpassed its purgative point? That has been turned into a non-vomitous substance....like a portion of your own flesh or soul, or the stuff that defines you.
As we were waiting on some of our crew to finish bathroom breaks, my son is in my cart and his son is in his and we are waiting in a deafening silence for the return of our clan (he has three children and I have two). My son, Brienn, is a very active, both in mind and body and these attributes are most especially prevalent when he is tired. This was the case today. I don't even remember what Brienn did, but the first major verbal assault that my ex-to-be committed against me was at the moment when I had to correct Brienn on a minor offense(most likely for making some loud aboriginal, or animal sound). At that point, he says in front of his son, OUR son and to my face, "I don't know what has crawled in his ass today but I'm about to pull it out for him." This was not OK. First of all, I would prefer to influence my children to speak in ways that will give people the proper perceptions of them, and not in ways that would encourage any negative connotations upon their character. Simply put, we don't curse in front of our children. Next, there is no need for such hostility towards a child, especially ours and especially when he loves you so much and your opinion means so much to him. I love my children, devastating them is not a priority to me and neither should it be for you. Now let me just say this, he is a phenomenal, amazing, momentously wonderful dad. However, it is this that blew me away about this statement. Despite my intense distaste for this statement to our child, I simply looked at Mr.Meanie Head and said, "Please don't talk to Brienn that way." and I was sure to move in close and speak low because I don't want to take up parenting issues in front of the children. It is at this point that he takes a step back and he gets this look in his eye that I have never seen before. It was a look of disdain, distaste and uncontained wrath and scorn with a touch of all things hateful when he said to me, "Thank God I didn't have another baby with you." This was the point where I almost lost control. I've been broken, I've been knocked out of my shoes, I've been laid out and confused, but I have never in my life felt so attacked and disheartened. I have to tell you, my two children are not biologically his, they are by blood my first husbands but by nurture and love they are his. An act I will always love him for. And both of my children were wonderful "whoopsie-daisies", and I have always said that I desperately want atleast one more child. While I love and cherish my amazing babies, their births, although amazing things, were not a shared and cherished occurence as many births ought to be. Their biological father just managed to fall completely off the cliff at that point and but a huge damper on what could have been some of the most amazing moments of my life. I want to go through that experience with someone who I laid down with one night and, out of love and desire to unite what we love about the other, we create a child that we then build and raise out of the same motives...the motives of "Us". He knows how much this, or the hopes of this, means to me. He knows how much I wanted this with him. And furthermore, he knows precisely how infinitely those words hurt me and I saw the instant regret in his eyes, but regret or no regret, words of that severity might as well be written in stone because they will never be expunged from the places that they have been spoken unto. That is both the beauty and the danger of the spoken word, atleast pencil can be erased. I stepped away from the cart, I went into the bathroom and I let myself lose all control in the obtrusive privacy of a wal-mart bathroom stall for just a few minutes. (this is a big deal for me.) I felt raped. I felt like he had just ripped away my clothes, my shield, my shell and exposed me to everything hurtful and then taken something away from me that I can never take back.
I wish I understood what is happening. I wish I could explain how someone can go from loving me as intensely as I perceived he did to hating me as intensely as he did in that moment. I dream of the day that I can find someone I can trust with my heart, my terror is that I will never be able to allow myself to give it to him. That my fear will never let it go no matter how hard I try. I took that risk with our wal-mart offender and it pained me beyond what any lexicographer can explain. I am ok now. I have shed some more tears this evening over this and events that have lead up to this point, but thankfully I have an uncharted resilience. However, there are times that I just don't feel all that tough. And this is one of those nights. I'll listen to my music and read something satisfying until it all subsides enough to resume life as usual. I have recently come to realize that marriage isn't necessarily for me. And I don't say this as the marriage-scarred divorcee. I say this out of a person who wants someone who continue to stay with me, and express love for me and take care of me not out of obligation to do so, but because they love me enough to do it without the legalities and moral expectations. You hold me because you love me. You come home to me because you love me. You stay faithful because you love me. You create a child with me because you love me.
As we were waiting on some of our crew to finish bathroom breaks, my son is in my cart and his son is in his and we are waiting in a deafening silence for the return of our clan (he has three children and I have two). My son, Brienn, is a very active, both in mind and body and these attributes are most especially prevalent when he is tired. This was the case today. I don't even remember what Brienn did, but the first major verbal assault that my ex-to-be committed against me was at the moment when I had to correct Brienn on a minor offense(most likely for making some loud aboriginal, or animal sound). At that point, he says in front of his son, OUR son and to my face, "I don't know what has crawled in his ass today but I'm about to pull it out for him." This was not OK. First of all, I would prefer to influence my children to speak in ways that will give people the proper perceptions of them, and not in ways that would encourage any negative connotations upon their character. Simply put, we don't curse in front of our children. Next, there is no need for such hostility towards a child, especially ours and especially when he loves you so much and your opinion means so much to him. I love my children, devastating them is not a priority to me and neither should it be for you. Now let me just say this, he is a phenomenal, amazing, momentously wonderful dad. However, it is this that blew me away about this statement. Despite my intense distaste for this statement to our child, I simply looked at Mr.Meanie Head and said, "Please don't talk to Brienn that way." and I was sure to move in close and speak low because I don't want to take up parenting issues in front of the children. It is at this point that he takes a step back and he gets this look in his eye that I have never seen before. It was a look of disdain, distaste and uncontained wrath and scorn with a touch of all things hateful when he said to me, "Thank God I didn't have another baby with you." This was the point where I almost lost control. I've been broken, I've been knocked out of my shoes, I've been laid out and confused, but I have never in my life felt so attacked and disheartened. I have to tell you, my two children are not biologically his, they are by blood my first husbands but by nurture and love they are his. An act I will always love him for. And both of my children were wonderful "whoopsie-daisies", and I have always said that I desperately want atleast one more child. While I love and cherish my amazing babies, their births, although amazing things, were not a shared and cherished occurence as many births ought to be. Their biological father just managed to fall completely off the cliff at that point and but a huge damper on what could have been some of the most amazing moments of my life. I want to go through that experience with someone who I laid down with one night and, out of love and desire to unite what we love about the other, we create a child that we then build and raise out of the same motives...the motives of "Us". He knows how much this, or the hopes of this, means to me. He knows how much I wanted this with him. And furthermore, he knows precisely how infinitely those words hurt me and I saw the instant regret in his eyes, but regret or no regret, words of that severity might as well be written in stone because they will never be expunged from the places that they have been spoken unto. That is both the beauty and the danger of the spoken word, atleast pencil can be erased. I stepped away from the cart, I went into the bathroom and I let myself lose all control in the obtrusive privacy of a wal-mart bathroom stall for just a few minutes. (this is a big deal for me.) I felt raped. I felt like he had just ripped away my clothes, my shield, my shell and exposed me to everything hurtful and then taken something away from me that I can never take back.
I wish I understood what is happening. I wish I could explain how someone can go from loving me as intensely as I perceived he did to hating me as intensely as he did in that moment. I dream of the day that I can find someone I can trust with my heart, my terror is that I will never be able to allow myself to give it to him. That my fear will never let it go no matter how hard I try. I took that risk with our wal-mart offender and it pained me beyond what any lexicographer can explain. I am ok now. I have shed some more tears this evening over this and events that have lead up to this point, but thankfully I have an uncharted resilience. However, there are times that I just don't feel all that tough. And this is one of those nights. I'll listen to my music and read something satisfying until it all subsides enough to resume life as usual. I have recently come to realize that marriage isn't necessarily for me. And I don't say this as the marriage-scarred divorcee. I say this out of a person who wants someone who continue to stay with me, and express love for me and take care of me not out of obligation to do so, but because they love me enough to do it without the legalities and moral expectations. You hold me because you love me. You come home to me because you love me. You stay faithful because you love me. You create a child with me because you love me.
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