Monday, January 2, 2012

Sunday, January 1, 2012

What Really Matters....

Over the past few months it has become blatantly obvious to me what really matters in life, and what doesnt matter so much.  These things vary from person to person, but there is always a level of "matter-some" (so-to-speak) to each general thing on a list, it is almost like a common sense thing.  There are just some things that shouldn't be considered so egregious and terrible and yet somehow they are.  There are some things that people should just know not to do, and completely ignore it and completely forget the fact that they said things, and did things and expressed things that are completely contradictory to the things that they are currently expressing.

Prime example, sometimes relationships just don't work out.  Look at every person in the world, and look at how different each and every one of those people are, what are the odds that the one person you happened upon is that ONE person just for you.  Not very likely.  It is not a crime to end a relationship, it is not a crime to part ways, it is NOT WRONG...the truth is that it just happens.  I watch T.V. and I see how people act and I wonder....why are they acting so insane about this?  Why would they have wanted this person to stay with them when they weren't happy?  If one person is not happy, then both cannot be happy.  It just seems like relationship physics to me.  It is like...the laws of gravity.  The pull of one persons unhappiness weights down the happiness of the entire relationship.  FACT.

It is for the above logic that I don't understand why I would be hearing things about someone I once ended a relationship with.  I don't want to say I never spoke a bad word about that person, but the words that were spoken were only to TWO individuals which I have very intimate relationships with AND people that have no connection to him.  Trash talking always hurts, I don't care who you are, but when you hear bad things said about you there is that tiny elementary school child inside of all of us that winces for atleast that split second. There is no need to talk dirty about someone that you have supposedly moved on from.  There is no need because they were just one of the stepping stones on the path that they took to get them to the right "ONE".  Thus, you should respect them for giving you a solid platform upon which to stride, even if it is simply the silent kind.  No words is far better then hateful or mean ones.  In addition, if the other individual has had enough respect to not speak poorly to anyone holding a mutual relationship, then that person should also have the same consideration, if not for a respect for you as a person they once held dear, then out of a respect for the fact that you are simply another individual who exists in this world and has relationships with people other then just you.  Relationships that are held dear by both parties.

My rant is almost complete.  I simply have to say, that I wish people looked more at what really mattered in the grand scheme of things.  Speaking ill of someone is simply "bad joo-joo" for the soul, we all know it because we all get that sick, icky feeling on our tongues and in our stomach when we do it.  So I ask all of you, the next time you get that urge to speak poorly, replace it with something doesnt have to be something positive about that person, but anything positive.  If you can't think of anything I will give you one of mine, "Less-pretty people need love too!"  The fact of the matter is that our actions today, determines the outcomes we receive tomorrow.  Nothing positive can come from something negative, except for the really tough lessons that we learn from.  We wouldnt even have to learn those if we would just take a step back and listen to the people around us who have made those mistakes already.  So, take my advice and find out for yourself if I am right and if the nasty, hateful words are what really matters to you in life.  Only you can decide what really matters to you.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Where I'v been...

Hello bloggers! seems I came and left the blogger world at almost the same time.  Well, life has taken me topsy-turvy, swervy-curvy and every other frivolous term for "all over the friggin place" that you can come up with.  I've learned a lot about myself , life and most of all love.  The last I left off in my life was being seperated from my husband and in love with "the man of my dreams".  I have to tell you, that it is the hardest times in your life that you learn the most, in the following I have listed some of the things that I have cached into my ever-growing treasure trove of wisdom.

1)  There is a reason you wake up from your dreams.  They fade, they dissipate and they simply are not reality.  After all, if dreams were reality would they still be so special?  I had a chance with the "man of my dreams", and I woke up from that dream and I returned to reality, that reality is my family, to include my formerly estranged husband.  While our relationship has many kinks to be worked out, they are my reality and my love and everything that I would give anything for.  I would never say anything ill about the former dream guy, it is simply useless to do here, but I will say that I have been perfectly fine with leaving that dream in amongst the dreamland from whence it came.  My family is whole, my children are happy and life is most fulfilling for me in the reality amongst which I am know living (not dreaming).

2)  Just because a person makes a mistake doesn't mean they should be damned forever.  The bitterness, anger and hurt that you hold for them only lasts as long as you are willing to hold that grudge.  Forgiveness is freedom, forgiveness is peace, forgiveness (the true and unfettered kind) is the path to renewal.  My husband and I have gone through so much in the past months, but we have both truly forgiven it all.  That doesn't mean that our relationship is perfect, but it means that we are both truly committed to it. Somehow, I trust him and love him and have more faith in him and our relationship than I ever have before.

3)  There is nothing more valuable in the world than having that one true friend who loves you AND loves who you love simply because you love them and they love you (read it a few more times and it will make sense to you).  :) 

4)  Those who criticize the person who returns to an estranged spouse must forget what wedding vows are.  Hey, I've been divorced before, I obviously know that sometimes things just can't work.  But if it can work, don't those vows mean that is what you swore before God that you would do?  Honestly, for all you critics...let's look at who is really the a$$hole here.

5)  No matter how hard things are, now matter how much a decision hurts you or hurts those around you the sun keeps shining, the moon keeps rising and the world keeps turning.  The best thing to do is make sure you keep turning with it and the more positive the twist you put on it the more enjoyable turning with it will be.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Wal-Mart Criminal

 As I was staring at my future ex-husband in disbelief at wal-mart today, a Mark Twain quote flashed through my mindscape. "Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."  I was awestruck at the events that occurred and the indigestible wordage that my ex-in-training continued to spew on me.  I apologize for any lack of eloquence that this blog may contain, this one is strictly for cathartic purposes.

In order to fully understand the extent of my hurt and disbelief today I need to give you all a little backstory.  My wal mart offending future ex and I got married less then 2 years ago and have been together for over 3 years, and we have known each other for over 6 years.  A few months ago I am, in every sense, blindsided when he informs me that he is "no longer happy" and apparently these sentiments have everything to do with his vows and devotion to me and nothing to do with any twisted pathology of his own self.  He has always been, if nothing else in this world, my most intimate companion and in the most endearing expression of the word, my best friend.  He knows every form of me and every particulate and facet of me, and what blows me away is that he is taking that knowledge and using it for evil.  He knows just the right things to say to twist the knife of treachery and broken promises just a smidge further.  I had to be around him today, his mother is in town and she wanted to buy the kids new car seats and she insisted that I be there so that I could pick out what I wanted.  The gesture was a wonderful one, but the events it involved fell short of being even remotely tolerable.  It is still a very tender and tenuous situation, most especially when we are in each others presence.  He is still my husband and, with the exception of the last few months, he was everything I wanted and expected him to be.  A part of me is terrified of how I can ever let that mindset go, because I truly formulated "Me" around it.  I swallowed it, digested it, and absorbed every bit of it into my existence.  How do you regurgitate fare which has surpassed its purgative point?  That has been turned into a non-vomitous a portion of your own flesh or soul, or the stuff that defines you.

As we were waiting on some of our crew to finish bathroom breaks, my son is in my cart and his son is in his and we are waiting in a deafening silence for the return of our clan (he has three children and I have two).  My son, Brienn, is a very active, both in mind and body and these attributes are most especially prevalent when he is tired.  This was the case today.  I don't even remember what Brienn did, but the first major verbal assault that my ex-to-be committed against me was at the moment when I had to correct Brienn on a minor offense(most likely for making some loud aboriginal, or animal sound).  At that point, he says in front of his son, OUR son and to my face, "I don't know what has crawled in his ass today but I'm about to pull it out for him."  This was not OK. First of all, I would prefer to influence my children to speak in ways that will give people the proper perceptions of them, and not in ways that would encourage any negative connotations upon their character.  Simply put, we don't curse in front of our children.  Next, there is no need for such hostility towards a child, especially ours and especially when he loves you so much and your opinion means so much to him.  I love  my children, devastating them is not a priority to me and neither should it be for you.  Now let me just say this, he is a phenomenal, amazing, momentously wonderful dad.  However, it is this that blew me away about this statement. Despite my intense distaste for this statement to our child, I simply looked at Mr.Meanie Head and said, "Please don't talk to Brienn that way." and I was sure to move in close and speak low because I don't want to take up parenting issues in front of the children.  It is at this point that he takes a step back and he gets this look in his eye that I have never seen before. It was a look of disdain, distaste and uncontained wrath and scorn with a touch of all things hateful when he said to me, "Thank God I didn't have another baby with you."  This was the point where I almost lost control.  I've been broken, I've been knocked out of my shoes, I've been laid out and confused, but I have never in my life felt so attacked and disheartened.  I have to tell you, my two children are not biologically his, they are by blood my first husbands but by nurture and love they are his.  An act I will always love him for.  And both of my children were wonderful "whoopsie-daisies", and I have always said that I desperately want atleast one more child.  While I love and cherish my amazing babies, their births, although amazing things, were not a shared and cherished occurence as many births ought to be.  Their biological father just managed to fall completely off the cliff at that point and but a huge damper on what could have been some of the most amazing moments of my life.  I want to go through that experience with someone who I laid down with one night and, out of love and desire to unite what we love about the other, we create a child that we then build and raise out of the same motives...the motives of "Us".  He knows how much this, or the hopes of this, means to me. He knows how much I wanted this with him. And furthermore, he knows precisely how infinitely those words hurt me and I saw the instant regret in his eyes, but regret or no regret, words of that severity might as well be written in stone because they will never be expunged from the places that they have been spoken unto.  That is both the beauty and the danger of the spoken word, atleast pencil can be erased.  I stepped away from the cart, I went into the bathroom and I let myself lose all control in the obtrusive privacy of a wal-mart bathroom stall for just a few minutes. (this is a big deal for me.)  I felt raped. I felt like he had just ripped away my clothes, my shield, my shell and exposed me to everything hurtful and then taken something away from me that I can never take back.

I wish I understood what is happening.  I wish I could explain how someone can go from loving me as intensely as I perceived he did to hating me as intensely as he did in that moment.  I dream of the day that I can find someone I can trust with my heart, my terror is that I will never be able to allow myself to give it to him. That my fear will never let it go no matter how hard I try.  I took that risk with our wal-mart offender and it pained me beyond what any lexicographer can explain.  I am ok now. I have shed some more tears this evening over this and events that have lead up to this point, but thankfully I have an uncharted resilience. However, there are times that I just don't feel all that tough. And this is one of those nights. I'll listen to my music and read something satisfying until it all subsides enough to resume life as usual.  I have recently come to realize that marriage isn't necessarily for me.  And I don't say this as the marriage-scarred divorcee.  I say this out of a person who wants someone who continue to stay with me, and express love for me and take care of me not out of obligation to do so, but because they love me enough to do it without the legalities and moral expectations. You hold me because you love me.  You come home to me because you love me.  You stay faithful because you love me. You create a child with me because you love me.


Friday, July 8, 2011

Who You Gonna Call? Vanitybusters!

I have come to learn that the parent to child association is a correlational relationship. Sometimes this can be a negative correlation. For example, I will feel very accomplished when I have been able to mow my entire yard while the kids were taking their naps. Until I enter my humble abode only to find that I overestimated their level of unconsciousness to find my formerly pristine living space the victim of a child-sized natural disaster.  There is also the highly esteemed positive correlation.  These are often the more enjoyable moments in parenting, like washing the dishes together and everybody is able to laugh and giggle and blow soap bubbles on each others noses.  Today, I was once again victim to the negative correlation.

I don't consider myself to be a vain person.  As I have stated before, I know that I am not unattractive, but regardless, I enjoy doing what I can to achieve the highly sought after status of "hot-ness".  In addition, I am not at all seeking anything in terms of men at this current ripple in time, but that doesnt mean I don't want to look good in front of them, especially the dreamy ones.  Now with all that said, my semi-felicitous, late 20-something and single neighbor (who loves to play with my son) was out playing with his dog when my son asked if we could go hang out with TJ.  So I, agreed, but not before I revamped my wardrobe and attempted to go from my Jama-Jams and bedhead to a status which was closer to the hot-ness end of the spectrum.

There is one other tid-bit of information I need to fill you all in on before continuing with my story.  The women in my family suffer from a tragic disease which has infected the maternal line for generations spanning hundreds of years...back to Adam and Eve probably(or the first ape people, whichever theory you cast your rod at).  It is a disease entitled "bountiless bosoms", and I don't think I need to expound on it any more than that.  You know, for the most part I have been ok with it. I don't usually feel the need to soup them up, but in an effort to make some shirts fit a little better and to help my brassierre's fit more comfortably (yes, it is really THAT bad, thanks for asking!) and really, to acheive more friggin warmth on the hot-ness scale, I went and I purchased some "Silicone Dolly Super Wedge Push-ups".  Ok, I admit it...I wanted to get the ladies a little more attention.  And, needless to say, I utilized them for our trip to Neighbor McDreamy's house.

So, the kids and I walk over to TJ's house and upon our arrival he promptly gets me a lawn chair and a beer and we begin chit chatting, throwing darts and generally just enjoying a nice, warm afternoon.  My daughter Madisen, who is very much her mama's baby and a cuddle bug climbs up on my lap as TJ and I are in the midst of a conversation.  During the conversation, I keep noticing that my daughter is wiggling, patting and poking around on my lap. All of you parents out there know that this is just one of those things that you eventually become immune to and learn how to keep it from being a distraction.  There is about a 3 second break in our speech just long enough for my 3-year old Madisen to chime in with;

"Mommy! What are these two humps right here?  They got bigger!  How did they get bigger mommy?!"

When I look down, I finally realize that she has been poking and proding at my benumbed super wedges, and in addition to that, she has managed to unearth the edges of them from their unsuspected realm just enough to see them past the lace of my top. It is by a strength of my own character that I was able to turn the situation from a moment of mortal embarrassment to a memorable moment between friends.  Nonetheless, this is one of the correlational moments of parenting.

Our children are dirt makers, mistake pointer-outers, question-askers, privacy invaders, nerve shakers and in this case...vanity busters.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


It was a sweet intoxication to look into his eyes,
a sweet intoxication with a forboding...looming...reprise.

The taste, the touch, the power of the steeping, reaching air,
is the simply, sweet intoxications drastic nom de guerre.

The sweet turns to bitter, the bitter turns to sour
and then it comes the witching hour.

The Sweet intoxication of lovers losing all their dreams,
The Sweet Intoxication of their fights and angry screams.
The Sweet Intoxication escalates and rises,
Until it rips, until it tears and Intoxication loses all disguises.

The Intoxicated rhythm....the Intoxicated rhyme...
matched with the Intoxicated moments in an Intoxicated time.

The sweet Intoxication, not really sweet at all.
Has been the cause of hearts demise...
and has sweetly made them lose it all.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Notes to Myself...and to Those Who Might Need Them.

7.) You are subject only to what people tell you.  And nothing more. You may think that you have been given all the information, but always listen to the voice in the back of your head when it says that something is awry.  Listening to that little voice may someday be your saving grace, or the only umbrella from the rain (or in this case hail).  There is always more to the story.  What is left out could have been forgotten, but it may also have been an omission of a very stark reality. 

6.) The truth will set you free...or atleast make life easier. I have told lies in my life (especially lies of omission). They are never fun when happened upon by either party.  It would be in your best interest to come forth with your situation, no matter how shocking or unappealing, then to let it slap yourself or someone else in the face.  I have gained more respect by presenting an undesirable situation then by concealing it.  Hey, you know my past situation...I promise you that I could offer you some useful advice on yours, and I would deeply respect you for it. 

5.) We are two lost souls, swimmin in a fish bowl. But, we all know that we swam with someone else what? And some people can swim better than others, eventually we all learn and there is no shame in the occasional mis-stroke.

4.)  Perception is not reality. A chihuahua seemed like a great pet....this was not so. My first ex-husband appeared to be sane....this was not so. Both my ex-husbands I believed had eternal love for me....this was not so.  I looked in his eyes and and thought I saw something real, something meaningful...and this was not so.

3.) Just because they don't wear a wedding band doesn't mean they're not married.  And we will just leave that one at that.

2.) You can't help someone if they don't confide in you.  No matter how much you want to, if someone hasn't asked for the help or volunteered the information you cannot go into their office and lay the wrongly acquired cards on the table.  They must have a reason for hiding that skeleton in the closet, especially after they have told you so much. 

1.) Always keep your guard up until the situation dictates otherwise. Yeah, it saved your ass this time Corporal. (<me.)