Friday, July 8, 2011

Who You Gonna Call? Vanitybusters!

I have come to learn that the parent to child association is a correlational relationship. Sometimes this can be a negative correlation. For example, I will feel very accomplished when I have been able to mow my entire yard while the kids were taking their naps. Until I enter my humble abode only to find that I overestimated their level of unconsciousness to find my formerly pristine living space the victim of a child-sized natural disaster.  There is also the highly esteemed positive correlation.  These are often the more enjoyable moments in parenting, like washing the dishes together and everybody is able to laugh and giggle and blow soap bubbles on each others noses.  Today, I was once again victim to the negative correlation.

I don't consider myself to be a vain person.  As I have stated before, I know that I am not unattractive, but regardless, I enjoy doing what I can to achieve the highly sought after status of "hot-ness".  In addition, I am not at all seeking anything in terms of men at this current ripple in time, but that doesnt mean I don't want to look good in front of them, especially the dreamy ones.  Now with all that said, my semi-felicitous, late 20-something and single neighbor (who loves to play with my son) was out playing with his dog when my son asked if we could go hang out with TJ.  So I, agreed, but not before I revamped my wardrobe and attempted to go from my Jama-Jams and bedhead to a status which was closer to the hot-ness end of the spectrum.

There is one other tid-bit of information I need to fill you all in on before continuing with my story.  The women in my family suffer from a tragic disease which has infected the maternal line for generations spanning hundreds of years...back to Adam and Eve probably(or the first ape people, whichever theory you cast your rod at).  It is a disease entitled "bountiless bosoms", and I don't think I need to expound on it any more than that.  You know, for the most part I have been ok with it. I don't usually feel the need to soup them up, but in an effort to make some shirts fit a little better and to help my brassierre's fit more comfortably (yes, it is really THAT bad, thanks for asking!) and really, to acheive more friggin warmth on the hot-ness scale, I went and I purchased some "Silicone Dolly Super Wedge Push-ups".  Ok, I admit it...I wanted to get the ladies a little more attention.  And, needless to say, I utilized them for our trip to Neighbor McDreamy's house.

So, the kids and I walk over to TJ's house and upon our arrival he promptly gets me a lawn chair and a beer and we begin chit chatting, throwing darts and generally just enjoying a nice, warm afternoon.  My daughter Madisen, who is very much her mama's baby and a cuddle bug climbs up on my lap as TJ and I are in the midst of a conversation.  During the conversation, I keep noticing that my daughter is wiggling, patting and poking around on my lap. All of you parents out there know that this is just one of those things that you eventually become immune to and learn how to keep it from being a distraction.  There is about a 3 second break in our speech just long enough for my 3-year old Madisen to chime in with;

"Mommy! What are these two humps right here?  They got bigger!  How did they get bigger mommy?!"

When I look down, I finally realize that she has been poking and proding at my benumbed super wedges, and in addition to that, she has managed to unearth the edges of them from their unsuspected realm just enough to see them past the lace of my top. It is by a strength of my own character that I was able to turn the situation from a moment of mortal embarrassment to a memorable moment between friends.  Nonetheless, this is one of the correlational moments of parenting.

Our children are dirt makers, mistake pointer-outers, question-askers, privacy invaders, nerve shakers and in this case...vanity busters.


  1. "Silicone Dolly Super Wedge Push-ups" sounds like a training regimen for a PowerPuff Girls attack move. lol

  2. SH! Stop divulging all our secrets!

  3. rock for not being embarrassed!!! I think I would have crawled into a little hole and stayed there lol

  4. Waiting on a post. Waiting on a post.

  5. Wait longer. Wait longer. Wait longer.