Friday, July 22, 2011

Wal-Mart Criminal

 As I was staring at my future ex-husband in disbelief at wal-mart today, a Mark Twain quote flashed through my mindscape. "Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."  I was awestruck at the events that occurred and the indigestible wordage that my ex-in-training continued to spew on me.  I apologize for any lack of eloquence that this blog may contain, this one is strictly for cathartic purposes.




In order to fully understand the extent of my hurt and disbelief today I need to give you all a little backstory.  My wal mart offending future ex and I got married less then 2 years ago and have been together for over 3 years, and we have known each other for over 6 years.  A few months ago I am, in every sense, blindsided when he informs me that he is "no longer happy" and apparently these sentiments have everything to do with his vows and devotion to me and nothing to do with any twisted pathology of his own self.  He has always been, if nothing else in this world, my most intimate companion and in the most endearing expression of the word, my best friend.  He knows every form of me and every particulate and facet of me, and what blows me away is that he is taking that knowledge and using it for evil.  He knows just the right things to say to twist the knife of treachery and broken promises just a smidge further.  I had to be around him today, his mother is in town and she wanted to buy the kids new car seats and she insisted that I be there so that I could pick out what I wanted.  The gesture was a wonderful one, but the events it involved fell short of being even remotely tolerable.  It is still a very tender and tenuous situation, most especially when we are in each others presence.  He is still my husband and, with the exception of the last few months, he was everything I wanted and expected him to be.  A part of me is terrified of how I can ever let that mindset go, because I truly formulated "Me" around it.  I swallowed it, digested it, and absorbed every bit of it into my existence.  How do you regurgitate fare which has surpassed its purgative point?  That has been turned into a non-vomitous substance....like a portion of your own flesh or soul, or the stuff that defines you.

As we were waiting on some of our crew to finish bathroom breaks, my son is in my cart and his son is in his and we are waiting in a deafening silence for the return of our clan (he has three children and I have two).  My son, Brienn, is a very active, both in mind and body and these attributes are most especially prevalent when he is tired.  This was the case today.  I don't even remember what Brienn did, but the first major verbal assault that my ex-to-be committed against me was at the moment when I had to correct Brienn on a minor offense(most likely for making some loud aboriginal, or animal sound).  At that point, he says in front of his son, OUR son and to my face, "I don't know what has crawled in his ass today but I'm about to pull it out for him."  This was not OK. First of all, I would prefer to influence my children to speak in ways that will give people the proper perceptions of them, and not in ways that would encourage any negative connotations upon their character.  Simply put, we don't curse in front of our children.  Next, there is no need for such hostility towards a child, especially ours and especially when he loves you so much and your opinion means so much to him.  I love  my children, devastating them is not a priority to me and neither should it be for you.  Now let me just say this, he is a phenomenal, amazing, momentously wonderful dad.  However, it is this that blew me away about this statement. Despite my intense distaste for this statement to our child, I simply looked at Mr.Meanie Head and said, "Please don't talk to Brienn that way." and I was sure to move in close and speak low because I don't want to take up parenting issues in front of the children.  It is at this point that he takes a step back and he gets this look in his eye that I have never seen before. It was a look of disdain, distaste and uncontained wrath and scorn with a touch of all things hateful when he said to me, "Thank God I didn't have another baby with you."  This was the point where I almost lost control.  I've been broken, I've been knocked out of my shoes, I've been laid out and confused, but I have never in my life felt so attacked and disheartened.  I have to tell you, my two children are not biologically his, they are by blood my first husbands but by nurture and love they are his.  An act I will always love him for.  And both of my children were wonderful "whoopsie-daisies", and I have always said that I desperately want atleast one more child.  While I love and cherish my amazing babies, their births, although amazing things, were not a shared and cherished occurence as many births ought to be.  Their biological father just managed to fall completely off the cliff at that point and but a huge damper on what could have been some of the most amazing moments of my life.  I want to go through that experience with someone who I laid down with one night and, out of love and desire to unite what we love about the other, we create a child that we then build and raise out of the same motives...the motives of "Us".  He knows how much this, or the hopes of this, means to me. He knows how much I wanted this with him. And furthermore, he knows precisely how infinitely those words hurt me and I saw the instant regret in his eyes, but regret or no regret, words of that severity might as well be written in stone because they will never be expunged from the places that they have been spoken unto.  That is both the beauty and the danger of the spoken word, atleast pencil can be erased.  I stepped away from the cart, I went into the bathroom and I let myself lose all control in the obtrusive privacy of a wal-mart bathroom stall for just a few minutes. (this is a big deal for me.)  I felt raped. I felt like he had just ripped away my clothes, my shield, my shell and exposed me to everything hurtful and then taken something away from me that I can never take back.

I wish I understood what is happening.  I wish I could explain how someone can go from loving me as intensely as I perceived he did to hating me as intensely as he did in that moment.  I dream of the day that I can find someone I can trust with my heart, my terror is that I will never be able to allow myself to give it to him. That my fear will never let it go no matter how hard I try.  I took that risk with our wal-mart offender and it pained me beyond what any lexicographer can explain.  I am ok now. I have shed some more tears this evening over this and events that have lead up to this point, but thankfully I have an uncharted resilience. However, there are times that I just don't feel all that tough. And this is one of those nights. I'll listen to my music and read something satisfying until it all subsides enough to resume life as usual.  I have recently come to realize that marriage isn't necessarily for me.  And I don't say this as the marriage-scarred divorcee.  I say this out of a person who wants someone who continue to stay with me, and express love for me and take care of me not out of obligation to do so, but because they love me enough to do it without the legalities and moral expectations. You hold me because you love me.  You come home to me because you love me.  You stay faithful because you love me. You create a child with me because you love me.





 

9 comments:

  1. When someone reacts with such vehemence over something so small, it usually means there is something inside them, festering like a deeply embedded splinter, and rather than address their own dysfunction, they choose to inflict pain upon others.

    The fact that he does not recognize your worth as a woman, a mother, and, most importantly, a person shows that he is blinded by his own demons.

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  2. I know exactly what those demons are and I know that those things are responsible for everything that is happening. I just wish that he would have identified them before he inflicted all this damage. Getting rid of me is not going to get rid of them. But I guess that is something he will have to find out of his own accord.

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  3. I pimped you out on my blog lol I finally wrote a blog after months of silence and decided to pimp out my favorite girl in the progress :) Love you!

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  4. Thanks Love. You're the bestest :)

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  6. But I do it sooooo well :) I've heard Limpn ain't Pimpin

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  7. Hi. Following you from Helga's blog. I'm Helga's faithful Wisconsinite friend. She can tell you all about me. :) (Only good things, now, Helga!) ;) She's known me for a few years, now...bloggy-wise.
    This post was so honest. I love that. And, I hate that you have been treated like that. You obviously must know that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, right? You were just exposed to what was really bubbling up from the depths of his heart all along. I'm so sorry he seemed to be different in the beginning, though. Some people can be experts at hiding their true colors, can't they? I've been fooled before, too. I know it hurts. I'm so sorry.

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  8. Hi Pennie!! Thank you so much for the wonderful words and encouragement and thank you for following. I am glad that someone can appreciate my writing and experience. I will be sure to continue posting :)

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